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User blog:Jdg98/4.12 - "Darkness on the Edge of Town" Review
And yet again I am writing in the past. The year is 2015, and apparently there's a black President now. Who knew? But you're all reading this a whole day in the future, ain't that fun? I'm so glad that I could fill your lives with some semblance of this amazing excitement, as well as two rhetorical questions in a row, but a rule of three is better, so here goes: how much did that midseason premiere suck? Am I right? (That's four!) Of course, from this perspective, I haven't actually seen it yet, that part comes later, but I'm assuming. Like, I can see no way where it wasn't at least 60% dreadful. And although I could be eating my words by the time you read this… I can't really imagine that I will be. They're just going to be sitting there on a plate and I'll be poking at them with a fork, not even anticipating a first bite because, let's face it, I'm never gonna have a taste. What a long and convoluted metaphor, maybe I should just get on with the actual review now, since none of this is at all, it's all just prep. Here goes: Right, well, obviously I'm not going to begin by reviewing the ep that just aired (we're still in the past! Yay for us!), I'm going to be doing what I did, and what the Phoenix did, on my last review, and briefly run through what we've missed since the worst episode of all time aired (HAHAHAHA, MARSHMALLOW!!). In episode 4.02, "White Out", we experienced a pretty huge plot twist very early on in the Frozen arc, and that's that its episodes could actually be good, as this one proved to us. Of course we owe that all to Jane Espenson, because she's a fapulous lady who deserves more recognition than she's given by the fandom (Kalinda has fans… Can I just stress that please?), but yeah. This episode was pretty much enjoyed by all, and introduced us to two very important magical beings/artifacts: 1) Ingrid (we don't know that yet), the Snow Queen… "I know I have powers, but I'm needlessly freezing this wall for your benefit. ( :" And 2) … This. "They call me Jesus cos of my lacefront." I have no idea what on earth "lacefront" means, but Lily Sparks used it in her review of that episode and, well, I'm unoriginal. In episode 4.03, "Rocky Road", we had a proper introduction to Ingrid (without actually learning her name, still) and it kind of sucked. But, on the bright side… Nope, no bright side. Sorry for getting your hopes up, much like this episode did for me, and then shattered them. Brutally. Like Storybrooke's sight. But that comes later. About seven episodes later, or, eight, because this show sucks. Where was I? Right, 4.03… In 4.03, stuff happened, things transpired, and Archie had the very first "Let it go" of the season. "I think you'll find, that if you just let it go…" "Um, can I just stop you there?" "What?" "First you're telling me how to raise my baby and now you're using song quotes to do it? Where'd you get your phD? The school from fuckin' High School Musical?" "Please, Mary Margaret, I just…" "Renowned therapist up in here, y'all! What's next? You gunna walk me down Sesame Street while writing down how it makes me feel?" "Look, I—" "No, no, no, no, no; you are gonna stand there and listen to the funny things that I compare your limited psychiatric knowledge to!" In episode 4.04, "The Apprentice", we all got super annoyed at Rumple for being randomly evil, as is evidenced through the fact that he usurped an episode that was so clearly Hook-centric in the present and Anna-centric in the past. Dafuq Rumple?! Nah, but this episode is notable for something else, and that's Belle… "Um, hi, is this Eddy and Adam? … Yeah, I'd just like to tell you to go fuck yourselves in the arse with a spoon made of knives? … Yeah, thanks … Uh huh … No, my pages were not highlighted, or should I say page … What I'm saying is, can you stop even sending me the scripts, because I don't wanna wade through another one … Look, you can just be on set, point me in a direction, and tell me what to say. Alright? … I try hard enough to be terrible at acting without all this extra work! … If I don't have lines in the next episode, I'm quitting … Good. So I definitely have lines in the next episode, 4.05, 'Breaking Glass'? … Awesome, thank you for your time." *Go Emilie!* In episode 4.05, "Breaking Glass", we were all utterly stunned by three very important things: a) Emilie de Ravin's totally on point acting, b) the revelation that the Frozen arc could deliver a pretty flawless episode, and c) said flawless episode was written by none other than Kalinda Vazquez! *le gasp* But, yeah, she had help, so… But what this episode was really great for was making Swan Queen practically canon, so the shippers had another reason to not STFU. Yay! Amazing! Great! Fantastic! Glorious! Utterly splendifferent! (Btw, sarcasm.) "Hey, I just wanted you to know that, I really, really, really like your boobs, but… only in subtext. Okay?" "Oh, Emma… a thousand lesbians' hearts just exploded out their vaginas…" In episode 4.06, "Family Business", to quote Cletus in The Simpsons Movie, "I… I can't. I simply can't." That pretty much sums up this Belle-centric hour. Her phone call worked, and… we all regretted that she made it. But at least the writing was good and intelligent, thanks to our old favourite… *Hmm… thoughts, thoughts, what could this episode be about?... Hmm…. thoughts… Oh, I know! Belle's, um, Belle's mother! Yes! She will be, uh… uh, she will be present. And, um… ooh, die! Yes, Belle's mother will die and be eaten by… a… a… Come on, Kay-Kay, you know this… just think… Shrek is love, Shrek is life… OGRE! THAT'S IT! Belle's mother will be eaten by an ogre and SUDDEN GENIUS THOUGHT Belle will black out so that she doesn't see it. So, like, she'll be in the middle of this ogre attack, black out, and her mother will be dead, so, she'll, be, like, wondering how, she, like, died. Yes! She's in an ogre attack, her mother died, and it'll be like this total mystery. Ho-ly crap, you've done it again, Kay-Kay! Go me! Go me! GO MEEEE!!!!* In episode 4.07, "The Snow Queen", we got our very first episode that was named directly after the tale it's based around… if only that could have happened back with 3.06, but whatever, I hold no grudges, the reason that great episode is ranked last is because it's terrible, duh. Same as "Lily". I mean, I haven't ranked it yet, but, SPOILER ALERT, it sure as hell won't be #1. Anyway, this episode was pretty damn well-received, and finally unveiled the mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a stale white dress that's quite unflattering on the hips that is the titular Snow Queen. Did we learn her name? No. That was the previous ep, and done very unceremoniously, might I add. Nah, we just learn how her sister milked her and kept her in a jar for twenty-something years. "You'll thank me one day, Ingrid! When you're a really delicious batch of cookies!" In episode 4.08, "Smash the Mirror" In episode 4.09, "Fall", Anna and Elsa got reunited, the Snow Queen's climactic Spell of Shattered Sight was enacted, and it as all very exciting. Well, the last 10 minutes or so. The first 30? They may as well have been called "Stall" tbh, cos that's all it was. "OMG I COULD BREAK THROUGH THIS WALL AND FIND ANNA RIGHT NOW!!" "Hmm… I dunno… we're only like 9 minutes into the ep, gurl, wanna slow down maybe?" In episode 4.10, "Shattered Sight", Evelyn Powell decided to pop in for an oh-so-fun visit, Ingrid was further fleshed out, as was Emma, we got some very fun confrontations between Snow and Charming, as well as Regina and everybody, and Ingrid actually had a pretty heartbreaking death… allround? This episode was fantastic, and a testament to the greatness that the Frozen arc could achieve… shame I still kinda hate it tbh. Not the ep, it's fap, but when the show is over years and years from now I'm still gonna be all, "Lol, remember when they did Frozen? HAHAHAHA!" But "Shattered Sight", ah… "Shattered Sight" was a bae. Except for the fact that, yunno, like 3 quarters of Storybrooke's citizens were freakin' immune! "I cast it." "I've been under it before." "I'm kinda the Dark One, dearie." "No heart, 'memba?" "We have these, like, ribbons, and…" "He's kind of a baby." *…zzzzzzzz What's happenin'? Zzzzzzz…* And, finally, we have episode 4.11, "Heroes and Villains", and it was actually very well done. Belle finally chucked Rumple out on his ass, the stupid hat thingy came into fruition, the Blue Fairy exploded, the Frozen arc was sent on its merry way on a good note, the Author was close to being found, we had three new villains to look forward to, Robin left town 5ever… yes, all was well. Except that cheesy magic shit about the town line. Lol, that was just ridiculous. "Great magic, I sense. Up to no good, the Snow Queen was." "No, hunni, just… just no."' And here we are, in the present. Here we go I guess? "Wait, wait, hold up! I was here too!" Yeah… go away. And on with 4.12. Okay! Okay! I'm eating my stupid words cos the premiere was amazing, alright? I pretty much loved everything. Like, it was even funny kinda? Hearing the words "crap" and "bastard" in one single episode, for OUaT was, like, woah. But although said words are being shovelled into my mouth as I type, they still taste pretty good because… yunno, I said them. Hehe though, Will was absent! The episode starts off with a PoOUaT which… is actually very unusual for a premiere, midseason or not, even though it shouldn't be because that's when catching up and refreshing is needed the most. It was a great chance to rewatch this fapulous moment! "Rumplestiltskin… I banish you."' "Maybe first you could try banishing those last few lbs?" We then got another great example of how this show wants to be as non-specific as possible when it comes to establishing a timeline with another "Many Years Ago" caption. Of course, it wasn't needed, because one can simply guess by the mere fact that this scene is set in the Enchanted Forest that it was many years ago, but… moo, I guess. It's their show, not mine, and that's why it isn't as good as it could be, obvs. Within this captions oh so unspecific location and time frame, within the first thirty seconds or so we got what was either a penis joke about Ursula's tentacles or a handy (tentacley?) reference to good ol' Japanese tentacle porn. Yunno those movies you hear about where the schoolgirl has sex with the octopus? Well hel-lo Ursula! "You can call me Octopussy, but only when you drift under my sea." And of course Cruella was there with a couple mental dogs which meant that my own dog went insane over their barking which would not stop. But, you know, then it did, because Cruella freakin' ralphed in their faces… "Either of you ladies got a breath mint?" And then Rumple was there, and we know all of this because it was in the sneak peek so we all kinda zoned out when watching it, right? I know I did. Bitch, bitch, bitch, yadda, yadda, yadda, tet a tet a tet a tete, villains happy endings – y'all get the gist, a'ight? And then we had the title card, which was Cruella's car and looked kinda like someone was dragging a cartoon cutout along the screen, but whatever, I thought the budget had improved but if Chernabog is anything to go by… "I'm actually more HQ in the original Fantasia movie." The clock struck 8:15, the only time it ever seems to strike in that town, and we got a cute little montage of the Storybrookians going about their day… "First time he's been to school in two years… I'm a great mom." "Last time I was in here was the Pilot and I'm still teaching the same lesson." "In my mind the bird was named Mariemmasnowidneyrumple. (x" "If only I could come out of the closet as easily as this badge." "This jacket is starting to smell…" Hahaha, pretty sure Henry's school bus was driven by a nun, too – shouldn't she have been inside the hat? But what we ended up with was a drawing board which seemed to be more about finding the fairies than finding a way to get them out of the hat, which is pretty paradoxical to the task at hand but whatever. Hook yelled a bit, Belle cried, and then she began talking about the greatest scientific minds in the world or whatever? Tbh, I thought she'd just sent off a few letters, but then they made that crack about the magic box with the internet inside and, I'm not to proud to admit, I cracked a smile. "So, after wading through 900 pages of porn I sent this letter to a guy called SkuzzySteve500 with a couple pictures of my naked breasts and a panty shot and he should get back to us in about 2-4 years." Which is about how long it takes her to complete a jigsaw puzzle with that stamped on the box (ha, stolen jokes… ish). But their little chat about Rumple led us to none other than Rumple himself, who's staying in an apartment with a lot of fish. No, it's not a brothel, just a live-in aquarium, which is kinda weird because I figured Ursula hated fish? Apparently she loves them now. "There's something kind of… fishy about this apartment." "Yeah, I know, but I bought some Vagisil so hopefully that'll clear up soon." The scene was pointing us in one direction, and it was that of Cruella Fineburg. I believe that name was a joke, btw, should anyone shove it in "Alias" (an overused section) or whatever, but whatever, her husband (?) was being arrested, presumably for embezzling money, and she just managed to get one of her fur coats off the rack before the rack was taken away… and yet no one seemed fussed about the vinateg car in the garage. The FBI isn't interested in snatching up that little asset? The producers themselves have said it costs more than Sven. "Moo." (as well as the house that Rena grew up in) And this scene was pointing us in yet another direction – that of, as the promo has been screaming at me for month, "a quaint little town called… Storybrooke." Meh, ain't that quaint. Like, it's alright. Btw, it's gross that her car says DEV IL. We were then taken back to the flashback world because the writers were just too lazy to come up with transitions, and so they just shoved fb's at the start of each act because yeah, no structure in these humphrey hoebags! But yeah, it was boring cos it just sorta reiterated a bunch of stuff that felt like it had been said before. A bunch of exposition. It was like one of the library/Giles' apartment/Magic Box/Buffy's house scenes in Buffy. It ended with a bunch of pointing and smiling and this: "Maybe if I pout like this my goofy teeth won't make me like Cletus from The Simpsons." "I can't, I simply can't" – ah, don't you just love it when everything circles back round to be together as a big warm happy family of words. Life, uh, uh, always, uh, finds away. Jeez this promises to be a tiresome review. Hi though! We then got taken to a traffic jam which felt like a whole load else of exposition… AND THEN MR. MOFO CLUCKS HAPPENED! This was probably my favorite Lost reference of the series so far. Have a cluckity-cluck-cluck day indeed! "Go cluck yourself, darling." Made me hungry, ngl. But not as hungry as Emma clearly was for Regina's pussy in the following scene. Lol, they were so damn couple-y. But I don't really care because, yet again, this scene was a sneak peek, so I just got bored during. Robin Hood, blah blah blah blah blah, Belle finally stopped watching porn long enough for SkuzzySteve500 to have messaged her back, and then they hit the woods, y'all! Fun times, this ceremony. I don't really see why it had to be in the woods instead of just Regina's office, but, whatever. "Yeah, soz, that was for my benefit." Well cluck you sir, and the hat hole you sprouted from. But before that, Blue was released… or, was it White? That damn dress has me questioning my colors. Moo though, Regina, Emma, Belle, Hook and Snow Blue all pooled together in the forest and the fairies were free! Yay(?), but the Sorcerer's Apprentice was… Whatever. Whatever. Aidunno. But Blue was super bitchy, right? Haha, I guess she can't help it. "Oh, you helped me? Thanks… I guess." "When I watch Final Destination, I replay the scene where you get a spike rammed through your brain over and over and over." And then Cruella barfed on some bugs and Maleficent ate some fire and Ursula… was just fulfilling the black quota, I guess, because she just accomplished a task that could've been done by anyone who was willing to walk up to the damn thing, whatever it was, and take 10 extra seconds in order to do so (seriously… why was she even there?). "Where's my cookie?" I'm sure she means fried chicken. But then Rumple betrayed the Fearsome Foursome and Chernabog bleghed himself forth. In Storybrooke, meanwhile, Cruella, despite having no insurance any longer, one presumes, cut no corners in speeding her vintage car against every bump in the road she could find. And then she stopped, and there was a tie, and there was some stuff about an invite, and Cruella had a super gay gun, and what was the next scene? Oh, a Captain Swan one… skipping. So, we're in Granny's Diner, and Blue is being questioned about the story book. "Why are you coming to me about this?" "It's about magic." "Exactly…" She wasted no (lots of, actually) time revealing that the Author and the Sorcerer are not in fact the same person, not that we had time to dwell on that because Batmallow was screeching a ragestorm outside. Swan Queen defeated them with ease, and, yet again, the lesbians had yet another reason not to stfu, because their ship basically killed Satan. "GIRL POWER!" *High five* But that didn't really kill him, and in the meantime we saw alive-and-well CGI monstrosity thriving in the fairytale land that was as he faced the Drag Queens of Darkness. This was a pretty pointless scene which could have simply been attached to the scene that comes later, but I guess they wanted a certain number of flashbacks so they had a stretch it a bit. Anyway, Swan Queen blasts Satan, yadda happens, everyone's super great in a crisis by now, and we head up to Regina's office. She gave us our third swear word of the episode in "The sea bitch", and I'm pretty sure that that's all three curses that OUaT has ever used? Well, besides… Yeah. Emma didn't even blink when it came to mentions of Ursula the Sea Witch or Cruella De Vil, cos… well, cos OUaT fucking sucks, but whatever. Whatever. WHATEVER! Point is, they had this idea to use the scroll which I actually thought was pretty clever. Although… can we stop with the fish jokes already? They're not very funny, but I have a feeling they're going to be very consistent. Yes, Ursula is a squid who comes from the sea, but Rena comes from Portugal and no one ever makes fun of— Nvm. And then… And then… We had this. "You want darkness? I'll give you darkness!" I'd rather you gave me some decent acting, but whatever. I can't expect much from Madonna in a swim-cap. They were gonna get Madonna herself to step into the role, but they couldn't get her off the floor (topical!). Moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, Chernabog wasn't put into a hat like I hoped we'd see, the QoD's saved one another, and it was all Baes 5ever! Back in Storybrooke, Regina was panicking because the Big Bad Bat wants to eat her more than Emma wants to do the same, and the two skeevy bitches hatch a plan, the details of which Emma immediately calls her mommy to clarify. "Okay, sweetie, now make sure you take regular breaks and stop for a balanced dinner, I don't want you lacking in health just because you're fighting evil." *Sigh* This was Charming's first scene of the episode, and… he looked kinda hot in it, ngl. But the Charmings appear very worried about a certain two villainesses' appearance… more on that later. Yet another speeding car, followed by a computer-generated gross, and Regina cracked a few jokes about Emma's stolen yellow tin car. Ahahahahaha! What a whale of a time I bet they had in the writers' room thinking up these top jibes! Ah, comedy. But the gist was: Regina go poof, Emma go worried, Emma go break, Satan go poof. Without so much as an "I'll be back". Then the Charmings showed up and warned the gals against letting in Fishy and Furry (they want to bring back Scaly, after all), but, despite her parents' warnings, Emma decided to open up Storybrooke's gates. "Yunno if we thought of this scroll thing six weeks ago Robin Hood would still be here prolly." "Lol, trust me, I did." Well he does kinda suck now. But that's besides the point. 2/3 Queens of Darkness are now in town, as is Rumple, and it's time to go resurrect us a dragon! Oh, and Emma's apparently evil… *Sigh* But the episode wasn't over yet, Noseree Bob! Emma made a phonecall to her parents, but they were two busy meeting with the town's new villains, all to conceal a dark secret from their past… I think we all know what that means. Dun, dun, dun! Well, thank you all for reading my second review, I hope you enjoyed, and that you look forward to the rest of the season – cos I actually do! Crazy, right? Anyway, Jdg98, signing off. Ciao! Category:Blog posts